Are We There Yet?

I love technology, especially when they make things better. Mapping software and devices, for example. Used to be, we used a map (yes, a... gasp! paper map), or asked Gert for directions at the corner drugstore in order to get properly and completely lost.

"Bob, don't they take a left at the second light?"

"No, Gert, that was before they put in the new overpass."

"Oh, yes, that's right. So, you go to the first light, then take a short jog next to where the filling station used to be..."

Now, we can get lost the high-tech way. The future is so much better now.

"Recalculating... "

"That does not compute, Will Robinson... "

In keeping with that, Apple just released their own map app named, in an astounding leap of creativity.... Maps, which could stand for More Aggravating Personal Software.

Containing several new features, including 3-D (wonder if you have to wear the glasses?), and more bugs than an ant colony, Tim Cook, Apple's CEO, apologized online, and essentially told folks to use other mapping programs, "... like Bing, MapQuest, and Waze" while they figure out who to blame.

I don't know. Sounds pretty good to me. On their next release, they'll have a more personable voice system, sounding something like this... "No, sweetie, you take a left down where the barber shop used to be."

Dead or Mostly Dead?

Dead is in these days.  Vampires, werewolves, and zombies everywhere.

 

Especially zombies.  It's cool to be a zombie these days.

 

So, what’s with the whole zombie fascination these days? Everywhere I look, zombies. I think the vampires are gonna get upset at all the coverage the zombies are getting.

 

And, here's another thing.  Zombies used to be slow. Like Night of the Living Dead slow. And it always made me wonder, what’s scary about that? You just outrun the buggers. ‘Course, I guess you have to keep running, because eventually the zombies will catch up to you.

But, I wonder, what’s their attention span? I mean, if a bunch of zombies are after you (bunch, bevy, flock, what do I call a group of zombies? Need to research that.), and you run someplace where they can’t see you anymore, will they just go after the next bit of fast food they see? Is there zombie ADHD?

Or, are they like pit bulls (sorry, didn’t mean to pick on the pit bull crowd. Just the first metaphor that sprang from my brain cells.), and they just keep on coming, like the Terminator?  Anyway, just a few questions I have.

 

'til next time... Adios.

Master of Disaster

It's 2012, folks, and we all know what that means. Yep, Mayan Calendar End o' the World Time. So, let's all get ready and make sure we're prepared. And, the best way to do that is to watch 2012, the disaster movie fanatic's disaster movie.

2012 has the recipe for survival. Plus, we have chasm-jumping stretch limos, lots of stuff blowing up, and tidal waves.

BIG tidal waves.

As each disaster movie has its required cast of characters, so does 2012. We have:

The Total Whack Job That No One Believes.

Player brilliantly by Woody Harrelson, he’s the Harry Truman of this movie. Remember Harry Truman? Mt. St. Helens? He’s the guy who wasn’t going to leave his mountain. And didn’t. Harrelson’s character runs a pirate radio station warning of the End Days, broadcasting to anyone who will listen about how the government’s been hiding information from us (in order to protect us from ourselves). He’s the benevolent guiding spirit for:

The Prophet.

John Cusack is his usual reliable self, playing The Writer whose books about the End Days talk about how we all have to work together, etc., to overcome the crises we will face. He’s the Distracted Yet Good Father Who Still Has a Civil Relationship With His Ex-Wife But Doesn’t Really Like Her New Boyfriend.

The Nice Boyfriend.

Nice guy, but, yeah, he’s gotta go. Hey, they already prophesied that he’s got to leave when he and The Prophet’s Ex-Wife are standing in the supermarket. They’re talking about “something coming between them” or words to that effect. When, wouldn’t you know it, there goes good ol’ San Andreas cracking the floor between them. Hmmm….

The Wealthy Russian With the Bratty Kids Who the Prophet Works For.

Oh, yeah, he’s got a good-looking girlfriend with fake mammaries courtesy of The Nice Boyfriend, who’s a plastic surgeon for the uber-wealthy. The Russian spent a billion buckaroos to buy a plane to fly them the heck outta there.

Well, there's the main players.  And, this one, like all disaster flicks, has its Required Quotes.  Examples of these are:

“…the world as we know it will come to an end.” Well, yeah, it sort of has to be “…as we know it…”. What else is it gonna be? The world as we don’t know it? C’mon!

“That’s never happened before.”

“Until now.”

So, watch 2012 sometime before December 21, 2012, and you'll be good to go.  Just make sure you hang out with John Cusack.  Or, at least, have access to a stretch limo.

One of Our Entertainers is Gone

Andy Williams left us this week at the young age of 84. We will miss you, Andy.

He was one of the quiet entertainers, working in the background, always there. Whenever you watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s, there he is, unseen, with "Moon River", his trademark song. Sure, others sang it, but "Moon River" was his.

Back in the days of variety shows, quality variety shows, there was The Andy Williams Show. A staple for Boomer Christmases, I have fond memories of his Christmas specials. I’d watch them again if they’d put them on.

One of his other trademark songs was "It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year".

Yes, I know, I’m an old softie when it comes to Christmas and, especially Christmas TV specials, and I’ll always think of Andy Williams at Christmas time.

Random Thoughts

Our local cable company improved things for us recently.

Yup.

They organized all the shows we record on our DVR by grouping programs of the same name in folders. All nice and tidy now. You go in there, and there’s all our shows grouped by title.

Hit the select button on the remote control for a particular show (gone are the days when we changed channels on the TV itself), and zap! We’re looking in the folder with the individual episodes listed. Perfect.

Except now, there doesn’t seem to be a way to get back to where we started and see all the nice and tidily organized folders again. We have to exit all the way out, then clamber back in.

Love it when they improve things for us.

I’m starting to feel more like Dr. McCoy from Star Trek: The Motion Picture way back in ’79 – “I know engineers. They love to change things”.

'til next time... Adios.

Monster Mania

Got a few movie and TV ideas I’m thinking of sending to Tinseltown.  Figured I might as well cash in on the monster craze...

Dancing With the Zombies – Regular folks dancing with zombies – human and zombie dancing partners try to finish their routine without someone getting eaten or a part falling off.

Zombielicious – Rather unconventional cooking show – you’ll be amazed by what they can do with leftovers.

Night of the Living Were_zom_vamps – a 3-way war between werewolves, zombies, and vampires. Fangs, assault rifles, spare parts, and hair.

Underwere or Frederick’s Goes Werewolf – a half-hour runway model show featuring the latest in she-wolf fashion.

WWW Smackdown (WereWolf Wrestling) -- give the fans what they want...

SuperVamp -- The first vampire superhero. He already has a cape.

Three's Company -- The Next Generation. Three roommates who try to get along. They have to. They have three heads.

Frank and Stein -- It's Doc Frankenstein and his creation, together again. And, this time they own a neighborhood bar.

 

'til next time... Adios.

Space Nazis

Whatever happened to Iron Sky?

So, what’s Iron Sky, you’re asking?

A bunch of Nazis headed for the moon after their 1945 beating, built a colony, and, of course, a space armada (I knew it!). In 2018, they head back to Earth, invasion-style. From what little I’ve read, Commander Vivian Wagner (I just know they’re gonna play “Ride of the Valkyries”) pilots the spaceship USS George W. Bush. So, there you have it.

Space Nazis. Flying saucers. Nuclear weapons. Can’t get much better than that.

But, the question remains. Where is that film?

My team of rabid researchers tell me it’s played in Austin, TX, Wheaton, IL, San Fran, and L. A. And, that’s it so far. It’s most likely going to be a Netflix viewing for me.

A little bit of trivia for you.

Timo Vuorensola, the director, previously worked on some Star Trek parodies, calling them Star Wreck. He’s also lead vocalist in the dark industrial band Älymystö. Seems appropriate.

One of the actors, Joonas Makkonen, gets to play a Moon Nazi. Now, who wouldn't want to play a Moon Nazi, huh?

One of the characters removes his helmet at one point, and we see the number "SS-1138", a little tip o' the hat to George Lucas's film, THX-1138.

The Moon Nazis have their base on the dark side of the moon, and at one point in the film, there is a synthesizer riff from Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon".

Future projects for Timo include a film slated for 2014 titled I Killed Adolf Hitler. Hmmm…

Train Wrecks

We tried watching One for the Money the other night. I had a feeling it was going to be bad, but I didn’t expect it to be that bad. We barely made it through half an hour, it was so painful to watch. From the complete miscasting of pretty much all the actors (I use that word really loosely when it comes to the “star”, Katherine Heigl) to the acting, directing, screenplay, and just about everything else, we both decided not to finish watching it, and to just send it back from whence it came (Netflix). It needs to be labeled “unwatchable”.

Debbie Reynolds gave a good try as Grandma Mazur, but she didn't quite show enough grit and wildness.

And, the only good New Jersey accent I heard came from Louis Mustillo, who played Stephanie's father. Wrong. He should have played Cousin Vinnie. He was believable, they just didn't give him the right part. Louis does a terrific job on the Mike & Molly sitcom, along with all the rest of the crew on that show.

Also, Ranger smiled. Ranger never smiles.

This could have been the birth of a new series, based on Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum novels, but it died on the vine.

Premakes and Sequels

So, what’s the latest batch that Hollywood is sending our way? Let’s take a quick look, shall we?

Big talk right now is the remake of Total Recall with our favorite bad boy from Ireland, Colin Farrell. Maybe this one will finally explain to me if Quaid was really a bad guy before he forgot/remembered who he was? Just read one review, and it would seem they’ve made a mediocre remake of a mediocre movie. Haven’t seen it myself yet, so I can’t judge. But, I was hoping Farrell could stand out as much as he did when he played Jerry the vampire in the Fright Night remake last year. Now, that was a fun remake. As another friend of mine said about Farrell, he was “… Dracula with a swagger.”

Independence Day 3 – I didn’t even know they were working on ID2. Perhaps they’re just thinking really far ahead. What? Are the alien ships going to be Earth-sized next? And, who’s going to play the Randy Quaid character? He's the perfect B movie buffoon/drunk/hero. Wait, I wonder what Woody Harrelson’s up to? Loved him in Zombieland and 2012. But, at least they knew they were making B movies with those two films. I honestly think the filmmakers believe they’re making serious sci-fi/action fare with the Independence Day franchise. Guys, just because you make the alien ship city-size and stage Star Wars-style dogfights doesn’t mean you’re making a good movie.

For the newest generation who’ve never seen Barbarella, there’s talk of a possible remake. Can you hear me doing my Addams Family Lurch groan? Just can’t see it, folks. The first (and only) Barbarella had that ideal combination of late 60’s/early 70’s camp and psychedelic science fiction/fantasy. Say, “Cheese”!

Say it isn’t so! They’re remaking The Birds! Is nothing sacred? No, I already know the answer to that. Well, at least Hitch isn’t alive to see it.

Imagine this. At some point the movie remake/sequel/prequel/premake machine shall obtain escape velocity. It will then no longer be necessary to make new movies. They can keep remaking and prequelling/sequelling every few years until we’re watching Rocky 45 and Terminator 99. Then throw in a few more Alien vs. Predator and Freddie vs. Jason redo's. Hey, how about they clone Rocky and we could watch Rocky vs. Rambo? And, how long’s it been since we’ve had a King Kong vs. Godzilla. About time for a new one, don’tcha think?

But, wait, we haven’t had any super-spy mergers yet (that I’m aware of). Much as I like Bond and Bourne, I’m sure there will be a James Bond Meets Jason Bourne at some point.

What's On?

Working from home today, so I get to do my old favorite past-time of turning on the tube (or the panel) with the sound down and listening to the stereo. Sometimes that's the best way to survive daytime TV.

Well, started things off with the Weather Channel, and I hadn't cranked down the sound before they assaulted me with talk about the world's largest beehive. I see that next I can look forward to an update on tailgating weather.

Nope.

Moving on, I do a little recon on the other channels.

There's a 16 & Pregnant marathon on MTV (which long ago got as far away from its original concept of music television as possible). Oops, I'm missing the 9 AM show -- TV Guide says, "A pregnant cheerleader struggles with her boyfriend to get serious about parenthood in the Season 4 premiere". Season 4?

G4 offers four back-to-back episodes of Cheaters. Private Eyes taping marital infidelities. Oh boy.

TLC (The Learning Channel -- all about learning, right?) gives me A Baby Story -- all about a woman's last month of pregnancy making her crazy. No kidding. What is this? Pregnancy day on TV?

"... a group of people who definitely saw something." That's part of the conversation I heard on Destination America on a channel called DESTD. Show's title is The Loch Ness Monster Revealed. Yup, I've no doubt they saw something...

And, so it continued. Well, at least it's the evening now, the work day is over, and I can look forward to.... WWE SmackDown. On the Syfy channel? What the...?

'til next time... Adios.

Welcome Surprise

Briefcase, briefcase, who’s got the briefcase?

All we knew about The Cold Light of Day when we went to see it recently was that it was a thriller, and it had something to do with a briefcase. And, that was good enough. Usually, I pore over the reviews, then our band of movie fanatics cuss and discuss why we do/don’t want to see something. So, for us to venture into a dark theater with so little information was, appropriately, an adventure.

We got there for the 4:05 matinee, bought our respective snacks and/or drinks, and headed into the theater. Not a soul in there. Too bad for the folks who didn’t go. What a treat this was. I just hope that it did well.

Starts off casually, dad and younger brother picking up older brother Will Shaw (Henry Cavill) at the airport, dad (Bruce Willis, still one of my favorite action heroes) driving. Kind of a chilly drive, too, and I don’t mean the temperature. Destination, the family sailboat (yacht, actually), parked somewhere off the coast of Spain, for a long-overdue (if slightly tense) family reunion.

There’s an argument between older brother and dad, older bro heads off to town to cool off. When he comes back, boat’s nowhere around. Climbing a cliff for a vantage point, he spots it in a cove. Once he makes it back onboard, everyone’s gone. Bruce, mom, brother, brother’s fiancé… all gone. Looks like there’d been a tussle or two aboard.

And, that’s all I can tell you. Otherwise, I’d have to… well, you know.

What follows is a fun, 2-hour thrill ride, with just enough properly placed lulls so you (me, actually) can take a bathroom break. Eventually, we see another of my old favorites, Sigourney Weaver, in a great bad-ass role. And, she does those so well.

We have elements of everything from Bourne to Marathon Man, The Amateur, Leon: The Professional, Three Days of the Condor, and Target. Many of these are gone but not forgotten, and seeing this makes me want to dust them off and pop them in.

Other than Bruce and Sigourney, I wasn’t familiar with any of the rest of the cast. Just found out that our protagonist, Henry Cavill, will play Superman in the upcoming Man of Steel. Gotta say that when I saw an earlier photo of him wearing the red and blue jammies, I thought, nah. But, now, I’m thinking, yeah, the boy can act, and he’s got the right body build, so they don’t have to pad him up much. He first showed up back in ’01, according to IMDb, and he has range. He never had much of an opportunity in Cold Light to do happy, but he did fine with the angry, tortured, confused, sad, and determined.

More on Mr. Cavill later.

'til next time... Adios.

Talk Like a Pirate

Aaarrhhh! It’s Talk Like a Pirate Day, me hearties. So, that bein’ said, set your inner pirate free and git your scurvy hides a’watchin’ a pirate movie afore the stroke o’ midnight. Here be a couple o’ suggestions fer ye, good or bad. Aaarrrhh!

Pirates of the Caribbean (2003), starring Johnny “But, why is the rum gone?” Depp.

The Goonies (1985) – Pirate treasure, a bunch of misfit friends, and a race to save their neighborhood. That’s all ya need.

The Princess Bride (1987) – Andre the Giant, Mandy Patinkin, Cary Elwes, and Robin Wright – “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya…”

Peter Pan (1960) – pick a version, any version. But, for pure nostalgia, us Boomers gotta have the old TV production with Mary Martin as Peter.

Captain Blood (1935) – Errol Flynn, Olivia de Havilland, Lionel Atwill, and Basil Rathbone. What’s not to like?

There’s five to set your inner pirate free. So, hoist th’ mainsail, have some rum cake, and dig for buried treasure, me hearties. Keep th’ wind at your backs.
‘til next time… Aaarrrhh!

Return of the Revenge Movie Titles

You know the ones I’m talking about. Titles such as Batman Returns, The Return of the Living Dead, The Return of the Pink Panther, Return of the Killer Tomatoes! (yep, the title actually has an exclamation mark – did they really think that would make it more exciting?), Return to the Blue Lagoon (why?), and A Return to Salem’s Lot (once again, why? Didn’t we burn it down the first time around?).

Now, I have a couple of questions. If they’re all returning, where did they go in the first place? And, where are they returning from? And, WHY are they returning? I mean, sometimes the story’s over, and there’s no need to return. Sometimes they overstayed their welcome in the first place, and we’re glad to see them go. And, sometimes, they never really left in the first place. Take Batman Returns. At the end of the first Batman movie, he’s whacked the Joker, and Bats is still living in Gotham City. So, shouldn’t the title be something like, oh, I don’t know, Batman’s Still Here, or Batman Never Left?

Here’s another question. For The Lost Skeleton Returns Again, did the lost skeleton, did the lost skeleton go away, come back, go away, and finally come back. And, if the lost skeleton returned, wouldn’t it be found?

Then, there’s the revenge movies. Revenge of the Jedi (which morphed into Return of the Jedi – guess they had to return before they could do some revengin’), Revenge of the Nerds, Revenge of the Pink Panther (wait… didn’t it already return? Now, it’s revengin’? I’m confused.), Revenge of the Creature, Pinocchio’s Revenge (huh?), and just plain Revenge.

Wonder if there are any movies out there that Return and Revenge in the same film? Just curious.

‘til next time… Adios.

Media Shorts

The Apple iPhone #5 and Resident Evil #5 are both out. Coincidence?

SNL's firing up for their 38th year. How many presidents is that?

We can now see Finding Nemo in 3D. Just like watching a real aquarium.

America's Next Top Model is out. Again. Referring to last week's photo shoot, the Lexington Herald-Leader's Weekender section said, "...all you need to know is one word: zombies."

And, then, there's the TV show Redneck Rehab, where we get to meet our inner redneck.

Shark Attack

Gotta be shark day on Syfy.  Just had Sharktopus on -- a CGI cross between a shark and an octopus.  Right now, it's Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus.

Man, I love these titles.  Just saw an explosion in the water next to a battleship that tossed the island-size shark into the air and over the ship.  And, there we go.  It just now jumped clean over the ship.  So, we talking 'jumping the ship' here?

Okay, after Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, it's Malibu Shark Attack, then Shark Zone, followed by Sand Sharks. Oh, looky there. Sand Sharks doesn't even have any stars for a rating.  Let's take a look at the guide -- yeah, this sounds promising.  TV Guide says, "Prehistoric sand tiger sharks attack a wild beach party..."  I can't even write that without laughing.

Should I look further?  Sure, why not?

After Sand Sharks is... jackpot!  2-Headed Shark Attack.  Nope, not making this up.  What's not to love about this lineup?

There are more mutated shark movies to follow, but they can't top 2-Headed Shark Attack.

Can it possibly get any better?  Why, sure.  6 AM on Monday morning I can see Get SHARK Clean!  TV Guide describes it thusly -- "This no loss of suction vacuum features a pet hair turbo brush at less than half the price of other brands!"

Just when I thought it was safe to turn on the TV...

Classic Horror Film Club

In a rabid departure from our usual horror or horror/comedy fare, last night's Classic Horror Film Club power-dived straight into the heart of B-movie country.

And, quite possibly the finest film ever made.

Kidding.

Well, we certainly saw the film with the longest title since our band of horror film fans got started – The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!?

No kidding. That’s really the movie’s title.

Directed by Ray Dennis Steckler (also the star and the producer), he’s right up there with Ed Wood as quite possibly the worst director ever. It’s got everything. A monster movie musical with zombies, carnivals, hunchbacks, gypsy fortune tellers, dancing, rock-n-roll, murder, and spinning hypnotic umbrellas.

Filmed in Terrorama (also known as Hallucinogenic Hypnovision, also known as Bloody-Vision), it tells the tragic tale of Jerry (Steckler), who goes to a carnival with his unintelligible friend, Harold (what kind of accent was that, anyway?), and ultra-beehive-hairdo’d girlfriend Shelly. At the carnival, Jerry is hypnotized by a gypsy fortune teller who sends him into a psychedelic killing spree. What follows is plenty of bad dancing and singing, horrible makeup, and even worse acting. It’s a fun-filled good bad movie that makes Plan 9 From Outer Space look like Citizen Kane.

Filmed for a whopping $38,000 (I’m surprised it cost that much), Mr. Steckler (also known as Sven Golly, Cash Flagg, Otto, Wolfgang Schmidt, or… Cindy Lou Sutters(?)) went on to direct other classics such as Rat Pfink a Boo Boo, How to Make a Sex Movie!! (with the two exclamation marks), and The Hollywood Strangler Meets the Skid Row Slasher. Put those on your wish list.

'til next time… Adios.